5 key conversations for a healthy relationship

Divorce is a complex and multi-faceted issue, but one trend is common throughout many of them: that’s the role of money, and the way it affects a relationship. Back in 2022, for example, the High Court granted a woman a divorce on the basis of her husband’s unreasonable spending habits. And even outside of the law courts, money-related issues sour relationships, make people turn distant, and transform entire personalities. So whether you’ve already tied the knot, or are about to, here’s a few key conversations to consider:

1. Share your experiences in dealing with money, so you understand each other’s perspective

Due to our differing backgrounds, we all spend money in ways that some other people might consider unreasonable.

People from different backgrounds have different concepts of risk, of ways to store and spend money, and even the role of money in their lives. If you don’t take the time to understand how their experiences shaped these views, it can lead to arguments when you consider their financial behaviour unreasonable.

Having a third-party financial professional can help here, as most financial representatives and planners are used to dealing with people from a wide range of different opportunities and experiences.

2. Be open and honest when discussing existing debt issues

One of the worst secrets to keep is debt. If you have sizeable debts of any sort - from credit cards to tuition or car loans - your spouse should be kept in the loop. Not wanting to admit your debts can push you to lie or come into awkward circumstances later. E.g.:

What happens when the day comes that you need to get your home loan, and you’re repeatedly rejected because of debt issues? If you lose your prospective home over this, because you didn’t come clean about your debt earlier, it can sour your relationship.

Debt is difficult to hide, and even harder to deal with on your own. It also affects your personality and mental health, so without understanding your situation, your spouse may misread your change of attitude.

When you’re both honest about owing money, and work together to pay it off, your shared chances of clearing your debts are much higher. As a final consideration, if something happens to you and you pass on (touch wood), your spouse won’t end up receiving unexpected letters from creditors upon your passing.

3. Understand and respect each other’s goals

It may be your goal in life to own a landed property with a garden someday, along with the monstrous mortgage and costs that come with it; but your spouse may feel this is an unnecessary burden. Whatever aspirations or goals you have, remember that your spouse has to pay at least part of the price with you.

So take the time to outline the most important things for yourself and for each other, and honestly discuss the price the two of you have to pay. This goes beyond dollars and cents: if you need to save an extra $2,000 a month to buy a grand piano or upgrade to a condo, you may be working double shifts, cutting down on date nights, etc. So part of the price may be the time you get with each other.

A degree of compromise is necessary here: both of you may need to trim down some of your goals. But always view what’s important to your spouse with respect, even if it’s something that you don’t fully understand right now.

4. Set regular review dates for your shared finances

Set a specific day, such as the first of every month, or perhaps one day every quarter, to make financial plans together. If you engage a third-party expert, such as a financial advisor, you could attend the meetings together, so you both have a clear picture of the financial plan.

Regular communication over money prevents nasty surprises. No one likes to find out their spouse liquidated a portion of their long term assets, months after the fact; or worse, that one party decided to let a vital insurance policy lapse without informing the other. The greater the degree of surprise, the more tempers tend to flare when the discovery happens.

Reviewing your shared financial progress can also be a bonding experience, as the two of you can have a sense of how much further you’ve gotten with each other’s help.

5. Set a price limit on purchases, above which a shared consensus is needed
You could, for instance, set a price limit of $200 on purchases: anything bought at or above this price point should first be discussed with your spouse, and you’ll go ahead only if both sides agree.

This is especially important if you have a joint account, which both parties can draw from. No one likes to put their card in the ATM and suddenly find out they only have a few dollars left, because their spouse bought a new tablet or sofa set last week.

There’s no hard rule as to what the price limit should be, as this depends on the lifestyle and financial means of the couple. But in general, the minimum amount that makes you hesitate or feel uncomfortable is a good guideline.